Well, it’s official. I’m a hermit now.
I’ve flirted with being a hermit in the past…I think I actually stayed in my house for a three-week stretch at one point, but I’ve totally smashed that out the park and now stand at the pinnacle of hermit-dom, firmly sealed in my oasis of isolation.
The only people I talk to are the waitstaff at restaurants. Every so often I Skype with my family or business peeps, but a video call is not the same as talking to real people. Life is pretty much me and my writing cave and it’s as fantastic as my inner introvert hoped it would be.
If you’d like to experience the joy of the hermit life, here’s what you’ve got to do:
1. Get a location-independent career. If you have to go to an office for work, you can’t be a hermit. There are PEOPLE at the office. Look into freelancing or learn something technical that you can do in your pajamas from the cave/hovel/hut on a rock of your choice.
2. Leave your husband/wife/significant other. I’m sure they’re cute and all, but they’re PEOPLE. A hermit lives alone, otherwise you’re just two creepers living in the woods together. You’ve got to commit to this!
3. When you must go into public to get supplies, make yourself as unpresentable as possible. Stop shaving and showering and wear headphones everywhere. You don’t want the PEOPLE approaching you all willy nilly and trying to make SMALL TALK of all things. Heaven forbid!
I’m halfway here. Still working on the beard.
4. Next Level! Start stocking up on supplies and looking into food sources that don’t require human interaction. Homesteading skills are a must for high-level hermits, but if you’re a city hermit like me, you can’t really garden or farm your own livestock. Instead, get groceries delivered to your doorstep or bulk shop to avoid making contact with PEOPLE just because you’re hungry.
5. BONUS. Sound-proof your hermit castle. My current apartment is in a super noisy area, so I can hear the PEOPLE nearby going about their daily lives (yuck!). I’m working on remedying this by layering the walls with cardboard and duct tape. It’s kind of eating into my living space, but cardboard is softer and more luxurious than floor tile…so look out for me on the next episode of Pimp My Writer’s Cave!
Disclaimer: Don’t actually do any of this.
This post has been sponsored by cabin fever and lattes. Special thanks to my fav RPG, Kingdom of Loathing for the hermit art (I’m #998555!).